I’ve had a beard and mustache for my entire adult life and try to keep them fairly well-trimmed, for two reasons.

One, I have no desire to be mistaken for David Letterman, two of the guys in ZZ Top, or half the male population of Brooklyn. Two, I can’t stand it when my mustache has grown long enough to go up my nose. I see other guys walking around with whiskers on the outside meeting the hairs on the inside and, well, just typing that made my nose itch.

I also don’t understand the longer, walrus-like mustache that extends over the mouth. How does that not get in the way when you eat? How do you keep the food out of the whiskers — and vice versa? Not to mention the impediment to oral contact with your loved one.

Same for ear hair. The speed at which it grows seems to be directly proportional to age, which is inversely proportional to the frequency in which old guys cut that thatch back. Normally I’d apply the to-each-his-own rule, but we’re the ones who have to see it!